So, Dave and I got approved for a mortgage!
*happydance happydance happydance*
But the house that we wanted now has a pending sale!
*crying swearing crying swearing*
We are basically the home hunting equivalent of a thirteen year old girl who just watched her football captain crush start dating the head cheerleader- "it's just NOT fair...it should have been me...but Muh-ahhhm, you do NOT understand, we were meant for each other- we were (sniffle) soulmates!"
But there are other fish in the sea, yes? So instead of sitting home writing 34 Crestwood Drive over and over with hearts around it and devouring two tubs of Ben & Jerry's, we started reading through the other real estate listings (okay, so we might have still eaten the Ben & Jerry's...be quiet). We are now thoroughly convinced that most New England real estate companies recruit their agents from the top Creative Writing programs in the country. And so I present for your enjoyment:
The First Time Homebuyers Translation Guide for Shady Real Estate Terminology
1. Cozy = Small, period.
Anytime you see this word used beware that they are trying to convince you that a closet can actually serve as a bedroom. And they are lying. It is often used in conjunction with "charming" and "must see" (see these below)
But there are other fish in the sea, yes? So instead of sitting home writing 34 Crestwood Drive over and over with hearts around it and devouring two tubs of Ben & Jerry's, we started reading through the other real estate listings (okay, so we might have still eaten the Ben & Jerry's...be quiet). We are now thoroughly convinced that most New England real estate companies recruit their agents from the top Creative Writing programs in the country. And so I present for your enjoyment:
The First Time Homebuyers Translation Guide for Shady Real Estate Terminology
1. Cozy = Small, period.
Anytime you see this word used beware that they are trying to convince you that a closet can actually serve as a bedroom. And they are lying. It is often used in conjunction with "charming" and "must see" (see these below)
2. Open Floor Plan = Living rooms are overrated, right?
When you see this term, often prefaced with "modern," you are dealing with a house whose architect fell asleep one day and forgot to add in a living room, dining room, or other central room. This description is used to trick you, the first time homebuyer, into thinking that houses are just like apartments, and it's okay to have your dining room table next to your couch which is a futon because you don't have a bedroom and therefore no room for a bed- it's SO Ikea!
3. Charming = Old
This is used when a house is older than dirt but the realtor wants you to note its "charm." An outdated oven from 1952 that sometimes leaks gas? Charming! Asbestos insulation? Charming! Peeling lead paint chips? Charming AND Delicious!
4. Character = House is falling apart and/or neighborhood is terrible
This term is used when trying to convince you that the various faults of the house and/or the neighborhood are what gives it "character"- this isn't any cookie cutter house or 'hood! Oh no. You can be assured that no other homes on the block (or in the western hemisphere) have pink neon shag carpeting. And those people on the other side of town have to pay for security systems, but not you- not when you have Freddy the Drunk who makes sure he yells at anyone who walks by! You'll never have to worry about intruders when Freddy's around. Now THAT's character.
5. Must See to Believe = The pictures are terrible because the house IS terrible
But that won't stop the real estate agent from trying to convince you to come visit him/her from 1-3pm on some Saturday in your near future. And you know what? He/She is right. After seeing it you will believe what you couldn't before...that it is even WORSE in person than in the pictures. Next!
6. Just Needs a Little Love = Just need three more jobs to pay for it
Don't be fooled by the ol' fixer upper ploy. While this house might allegedly have "good bones," it's the meat on those bones that costs the real money. I know what you're thinking. "So what that the kitchen hasn't been updated since 1900 and requires that you cook your food over an open fire? Doesn't my Dad have a few hundred of those Bob Vila books I can borrow? Slap on a little super glue, a new fridge, and it'll be all set, right?" Wrong. I won't burst your ''but-we're-handy-and-crafty-types" bubble by posting the obscene amounts here but go ahead and Google the average costs for a kitchen or bathroom renovation. All of a sudden that little jewel of a property that was "priced well below assessed value and only needs a 'little' love" will start adding up to a lot more than you expected. Now, in all fairness this is not to say that you should avoid properties that need a few things updated, but properties where the "sweat equity" will truly pay off are up front about exactly which things need to be updated/renovated rather than blanketing the entire property under the guise of needing some love. I mean come on, who really wants to buy a house that hasn't been loved at all for the past twenty (gulp, or more, and it's usually more) years- that's just bad energy.
7. Faith = Knowing that the right house for you will appear at the right time
Everything happens for a reason. Despite all of the above, I still hope we find a cozy, charming little Cape house that might need a little love, has lots of character, and that will allow us to host all of our family and friends in the years to come-because they'll just need to see it to believe it.
